Twins
by Alec Clayton
My twin brother saved my life when I was a year old. Then, for the next
17 years he tried his damnedest to kill me. And I returned the gesture. We
were the living embodiment of the cliché about brothers who beat hell out of
each other but team up to defend each other against anyone else. The problem was an intestinal obstruction that continued to plague me over
the next five years. A few years later, during the summer before we entered
first grade, I was back in the hospital for a second operation. This time
they removed large sections of my intestines, and that apparently solved the
problem. But there was another problem during this hospital visit: I was starving
myself. I refused to eat. When they brought food in, I would divide
everything in half and set Bill’s half aside and wait for him. But Bill was
not allowed in the room. Hospital rules. Children were not allowed on that
floor. The doctor told the hospital administrators that I was literally
dying because they would not allow my twin brother in to see me. But the
administrators, being administrators, administered the rules without
exception. To get around that little problem, Dr. Peegrim, God bless him,
put Bill in a hospital gown, laid him on a gurney, and wheeled him into my
room, where we shared a big meal, and I began to recover. The operation left me with a ghastly scar that ran from belly button to
scrotum, and I went home with a big bandage around my belly. It was
summertime, and all we ever wore back then were T-shirts and shorts with
elastic waist bands. Under my shorts and shirt was a big, white bundle of
gauze. I was standing in front of our house when a neighbor came by and
said, "Bill, how is your brother?" It was along about that time when our mother explained to us why we looked
alike. She told us that we came from a single egg in her stomach. After she
told us that, we went off to play. And, as so often happened when we went
off to play, we managed to disappear for hours, sending the household into
panic. They searched the house, the attic and the basement, the back yard.
They finally found us on a top shelf in a walk-in pantry, buck naked and
wrapped up in a sheet. When Mom asked, "Why didn’t you answer when we called
you?" we replied, "We couldn’t. We weren’t born yet. We were still in a
single egg in your stomach." When we weren’t hiding from everyone or fighting each other, we were risking
life and limb with daredevil stunts. Like the time we saw the knife throwing
act in the circus and went home and locked ourselves in the attic and threw
butcher knives at each other. We were pretty good, as well as I can recall;
we came really close, but nobody got cut. Or the time when Bill fell off a
trapeze and knocked himself out for 24 hours on the same day I took a swan
dive off the top of a refrigerator and landed on top of the pointy spike of
a pressure cooker (we have identical scars from those fiascoes). I had a good excuse for such shenanigans. I still had a lot of pain from my
operations, and I was doped up on Paregoric most of the time. I was stoned.
I don’t know what Bill’s excuse was. I dashed to the front of the restaurant. Next to the front door there was a
full-length mirror. I saw my reflection in the mirror and said, "Come on,
Bill. It’s time to go." Being identical had its ups and its downs. If I got caught doing something
wrong at school, I would always identify myself as Bill, and the next day he
would be called to the office and be punished. He always took his punishment
in silence and then retaliated by pulling the same nasty trick on me the
next time he got caught. And we both got caught more than any of the other
trouble-makers did, because everybody recognized us. Someone would see a
bunch of boys skipping out of school or sneaking into the swimming pool, or
whatever the particular offense was, and call the school to report: "I saw a
bunch of boys doing (whatever). I couldn’t recognize any of them, but I know
the Clayton twins were there." The Clayton twins always got caught, even
when we weren’t guilty. If there were any two boys in a group who happened
to look alike, the Clayton twins got the blame. Eventually, as we grew older, we began to look somewhat less identical and
the novelty of pretending to be the other slowly wore thin. The last time I
remember pretending to be Bill was during my senior year in high school.
Bill was out of town, and I took his girlfriend to a party. I can’t remember
if she ever figured it out or not, but I do remember that she was a pretty
good kisser. Of course he couldn’t resist that opportunity to trick her. She let him in,
and he managed to keep the pretense going for quite some time before she
figured it out. Later, when I asked, "Just what all happened before she
finally figured out you weren’t me?" Bill laughed and said, "You’ll never
know." We now live on opposite sides of the country and haven’t seen each other in
years. We still look alike, but I have a beard and he doesn’t. If anyone
asks him if he ever wanted to grow a beard, just to see how he’d look, he
tells them he can look at his twin brother and tell how ugly he’d be. If
anybody asks me about maybe shaving my beard off, I have the same retort. The last time we got together in our old hometown was more than 10 years
ago. At that time, we started telling our wives stories about our childhood
and discovered that for years we had each been telling the same stories, but
in his version of the stories he always said the funny lines, and in my
version I did. The truth is, neither of us know, for instance, which one of
us it was who spoke to himself in the mirror. At one point during that visit Bill made a run to the neighborhood grocery
store, and while he was there he bumped into an old friend from high school.
The friend said, "Hey, Clayton. Are you you, or are you your brother?" Hell,
we’ve been trying to figure that one out for more than half a century.
copyright © Alec Clayton 2009 |